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MAN: Environment and Communities Department. How can I help you?
Yeah, I'm, uh, calling about a noisy neighbour.
Okay. Can you give me some details?
Uh, yeah, it's been going on for, like, four nights.
Uh, I'm not sleeping. I'm a cab driver,
so, I'm going to work feeling shattered, which isn't good, is it?
Mmm-hmm. And what sort of noise is it?
It's a baby.
Um, right. Okay, we can't actually do anything about babies,
as that's classed more as an ordinary domestic noise.
What... What are you talking about?
Uh, it's a baby, sir.
Yeah, I know, but noise is noise surely.
Well, if it was loud music or a dog barking,
I'd be able to do something, but, um...
(STUTTERS) I don't understand, though, why?
Because it's a baby.
Yeah, you keep saying that,
but what are you telling me, that babies can just do what they want, can they?
They've kind of got a different rule book to everyone else.
I mean, you're saying loud music's not allowed,
but if the baby wants to listen to loud music, is that all right?
It can do what it wants, is that what it is?
We can't upset the baby. Jesus, I'm sick of it!
(BABY CRYING)
It's a shame, innit, that babies don't come with, like, a vibrate mode,
like mobiles do?
That way, you know, they let the owners know there's a problem
without everyone else having to put up with it.
Noisy little bastard.
The mum's gotta be deaf.
- That's the only explanation, isn't it? - Relentless, isn't it?
Doesn't stop.
I honestly don't know, like, how the human race isn't extinct
if babies have always made that racket.
I mean, think about it, going back thousands of years,
when we all lived in caves,
and you had a baby making that racket, that's basically like
an ice-cream van chime going off, isn't it, to some sabre-toothed tiger?
"Oh, hello, lunch is in there, tuck in."
(CRYING CONTINUES)
Ridiculous.
- (SWITCHES CLICKING) - (CRYING CONTINUES)
Listen to it. It's like living next door to fucking Tarzan.
- (ZIPPER CLOSING) - (FLUSHING)
- Oh, I'm so glad you're back! - Jesus Christ!
- What are you doing? - Well, I dozed off.
The bulb blew,
I didn't want to try climbing out. I was worried I'd slip.
How long have you been there?
Since about... Eight.
That's like three hours ago! Come on, let's be getting you out.
- But no peeking. - Yeah, honestly, I won't be peeking.
I'm not sleeping at night as it is
without having a naked image of you floating around in me head. Come on.
- To the Civic Centre, yeah? - Yeah.
(BABY WHIMPERS)
(BABY CRYING)
Do you mind if we stop off to pick up a friend?
Um, no problem.
Why would anyone want one of them?
Have they got, like, an allocation of noise
that they've got to let out every day or what?
Why is it so upset?
- It's okay. Mummy's here. - (SCREAMING)
See, the crying system doesn't work really, does it?
'Cause what is wrong with it?
Does it need winding? Is it hungry? Has it shat itself?
- (CRYING) - I mean, that noise it's making
is way over the top for any of those problems, isn't it?
That sounds like it's found out
it's family has been wiped out by a tsunami or something.
It's had the worst news ever.
Here she is. Just over there.
Yeah, they are. Another one's getting in now as well.
Hi. Okay.
PASSENGER 1: All right? How are you? How are you doing?
PASSENGER 2: Yeah, good, thanks.
Aw, mine's a bit grouchy today. He might be tired. And yours?
How long do you think it'll be before that one starts joining in?
Go on, place your bets.
(BOTH BABIES CRYING)
What did I tell you?
Have they met up to see whose baby can make the most noise or what?
I don't know where they get the energy from for it? I mean, it's...
He's holding a note longer than Mariah Carey, that one.
Not even breathing, it's just like one continuous... How's it doing it?
I mean, I'm a fully grown man with big lungs,
and I don't think I can match that.
Here you are, now, watch this, let's give it a go.
(MIMICS CRYING)
Oh, shut the fuck up!
Uh, can you pull over and let us out, please?
I'm sorry, I...
KARL: I haven't...
(DOOR CLOSES)
"Shut the fuck up"? You can't say that to a baby.
- I know. - They're potential future customers.
But I haven't been sleeping all week.
The neighbours baby's been at it all night.
- So I'm just up to here with it. - I don't care.
You swore at those babies. At that age, they pick up everything.
- They're like sponges. - (SIGHS) Are they heck.
If that's the case why are we teaching them stuff about
Humpty-fucking-Dumpty and all that shit?
We should be teaching them about times tables and how to wire a plug
if their brains are that lively.
Look, we've got to be seen to be acting.
You need to see someone about those anger issues.
(BABY CRYING IN DISTANCE)
(CRYING CONTINUES)
INNER SELF: Don't like the idea of this.
You can't trust therapists.
We don't need anyone else interfering.
We can work everything out on our own.
Have you ever told other babies to "Shut the fuck up"?
No.
I've...
I've thought it,
you know, when you hear a baby screaming its tripe out.
Of course, yeah. I don't say, "Oh, I love the sound of that."
It's... It's a racket, isn't it? So, of course.
In me head I'm thinking, "Shut the fuck up,"
but this time it slipped out.
Yeah, I said it out loud.
What do you think brought this reaction on?
The noise.
I couldn't take any more of it.
I'd had one at home all night keeping me awake,
so, you know, it just got too much.
- Your baby? - No. (LAUGHS) God, no.
I don't want a baby.
I don't want one of them in my life.
You feel that strongly about it?
Look at him, sat there, writing everything down.
Thinks he's Columbo.
(STUTTERING) Never say never and all that,
but I'd say I'm like, 99% sure, yeah.
99%. There's still a 1% chance of it happening?
Yeah, yeah, if you're looking at it that way, yeah.
Why have we got onto that now?
I thought this was about me telling a baby to shut the fuck up.
What does it matter if I want a baby or not?
I don't want a baby. Is that... Is that a bad thing to say?
You see, you might think that's odd,
but to me, I think the people who should be sat here,
are people who are thinking about having a kid.
I don't understand why you'd want one of them in your life.
I don't... I just don't get it.
Jesus, I mean, I don't like hummus. Are we gonna sit and discuss that?
You're not as animated when you talk about hummus
as you are when you talk about babies.
(STAMMERS AND SIGHS)
The reason I split with me ex-girlfriend, Zoe,
is because she started going down this road,
started going on about having kids, and it's not... I just never wanted it.
That isn't why, you know, I went out with her.
It wasn't what I wanted in life.
I liked her, I loved her.
(STUTTERS) I didn't need this extra thing to join us together.
She kept going on about it.
Her friends started having kids, "Why aren't we having kids?
"It's what we're here for. We should have kids.
"If we can have kids, we should have them,
"because there's people out there who can't have them."
I never understood that logic. I used to say to her,
"There's people out there without fucking arms,
"but I'm not gonna take up juggling."
Is that all she was with me for towards the end?
Just like... I was just a big ball of jizz.
You either want them or you don't, and I...
I haven't... I haven't got the urge for it. I just can't picture it.
I can't picture meself getting up in the middle of the night dealing with it,
taking it for a walk in a pram, doing all that stuff.
It's just not me, I can't... I can't see it in me head.
Do you think the voice in your head,
sometimes gets in the way of what you want out of life?
(SIGHS) Here we go.
Don't know.
You're scared,
because your brain's telling you all the bad things that might happen.
You need to block those thoughts out. Confront the fear.
I want you to challenge yourself, to do something you're afraid of.
Don't put it off. Just get it done.
The inner self can be helpful, but sometimes,
it can be a handicap.
Cheeky bastard.
(SIGHS)
INNER SELF: So this is you confronting your fear, is it?
Doing a sperm test.
I don't understand you. When Zoe asked you to do one you sort of, uh,
pooh-poohed the idea straight away, didn't you?
You didn't wanna know, you started coming up with excuses saying you were
wankophobic or something.
I don't know what's changed. How much is it?
(EXHALES) Fifteen quid.
Fifteen quid for one go?
I don't think it's multi use.
99 accurate.
99%? So, 1% of the price should come off straight away, then.
Taking the piss. I don't know why you're doing this. You don't even want a kid!
Says here that a good sperm count
is around 200 million. That's a lot, innit?
Is that what it says? Yeah, it is a lot, that.
That's like having the population of Brazil swimming around your bollocks.
Mental that.
Yeah.
- Just take that, please. - A sperm test kit?
- Uh, 14.95, please. - (REGISTER BEEPS)
You trying for a family?
Uh, you know, maybe.
- Families are important. - There you go.
There's a toilet here.
Why don't you get in there and knock one out?
You're not gonna be able to do it at home, are you, with Norma about?
Come on, I'm trying to encourage you here.
That shrink said I was getting in the way of you doing things.
No time like the present.
- Thanks for that. - Go on.
Get it out.
No, no, no. That's storage cupboard.
- Oh, right, sorry. - No problem, no problem.
I just saw the sign.
- CHEMIST: Do you want to do the test? - Do what?
We have bathroom upstairs.
Uh...
No problem at all. Please, please come, least I can do.
(SIGHS) Is that okay?
- CHEMIST: Yeah, yeah, no problem. - It's just, I live my aunty, you see.
- I understand, no problem. - So I don't get any privacy.
CHEMIST: You've used a kit before?
- KARL: No, I haven't, no. - Oh, it's very simple.
Uh, the sperm goes in the pot.
Use the syringe to put the sample in the bottle.
And result will be ready in five minutes.
- KARL: Okay, thanks. - Here is the bathroom.
Okay, thanks for that, I appreciate it. I'll try not to be too long in here.
- Arjun. - (BOTH SPEAKING HINDl)
- I'll leave, I'm leaving... - No, no, no. Please, you stay.
WIFE: (SPEAKING ENGLISH) Stop bringing strangers up here.
(SPEAKING HINDl)
WIFE: You are not a doctor, you are just a chemist.
This is what happens once you have kids. I bet they were happy once.
You have kids, you start falling out. It's the worst thing you can do.
Honestly, learn from this.
Learn from this. Forget the little test.
Keep the sperm in your bollocks. That's the best point of your life, that,
being in there.
That's when you're most happiest, swimming about in there.
None of this going on. You hear about people saying they had a tough life,
or they've had a tough upbringing.
No one's ever had a tough beginning as a sperm. Everyone's happy in there.
It's when you come out and it all turns to shit.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
- Hello. - NORMA: Where are you?
Uh, why? What is it?
Will you please come home. I need you here now!
Thanks anyway. What's going on?
WIFE: Arjun!
(BABY CRYING IN DISTANCE)
(BABY CRYING)
What's going on? What's that doing here?
Lesley, next door, was exhausted.
I told her I'd take it and give her a break.
(STAMMERS) Well, where's the Dad? And, Jesus, does it ever shut up?
Yeah, when the batteries run out.
What are you talking about?
Well, it's not real. It's a training baby.
Lesley was learning to be a nanny, but it wasn't for her.
So it's been a toy that's been keeping me awake all week?
It's not a toy, it's like the real thing.
I mean, I know why she's exhausted. I've had it an hour and I'm worn out.
Where's the volume control or the "on" and "off" button?
There isn't any. The only way to stop it from crying,
is to feed it, burp it, and change its shitty nappies.
Would you take it out? I'm getting a migraine.
She's had a bit of time off, I'll take it back to her.
- No you can't do that, she's not there. - Why?
Well, she told me she went to The Arches with her friends.
She's gone clubbing?
That's what she thinks she can do, is it,
when she's meant to be looking after someone's kid?
Just dump it off onto a neighbour. She is one cheeky cow.
(CRYING CONTINUES)
(SIGHS) I don't need this. I was supposed to be having a jostle.
What you doing?
Wind it. It might need winding.
What's wrong with the little shit?
Swearing in front of a baby again?
(CRYING)
Mind you, I reckon swearing should be the first thing you teach a baby.
I reckon it would cry less if it knew how to swear.
I'd much prefer to hear babies sort of crawling round saying,
"I need fucking winding, I need fucking feeding',"
and, "Oh, shit, I've shat myself again," than listen to this racket.
(BABY WHIMPERING)
(CRYING STOPS)
- (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) - (PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Excuse me.
Excuse me, can you just... Just make a bit of a gap there to get through.
Sorry, cheers. Thanks man.
- Cheers. - WOMAN: Is that a baby?
- Yeah. - WOMAN: No way!
Excuse me, mate. Excuse me, just give us a...
- Excuse me. - Can you move over a bit?
Got room for two more in there, mate? Me and the little one.
- Sorry, it's underage. - I'm not taking it in there for a drink.
I just wanna get it in there to its owner.
You're wearing jeans and trainers. They're not allowed in here. Next!
- What's wrong with jeans and trainers? - Next!
What's wrong with jeans and trainers?
He's wearing a fucking bin bag!
- Knobhead. - (BABY CRYING)
What is it now? What's wrong now? (SHUSHING)
(SIGHS) Oh, I'm tired of this.
- (SHUSHING) - (BABY CRYING)
What's wrong with you?
Hey, what is it now? You never stop, do you?
I think it's a faulty one, that. No real baby cries this much.
It's depressed. You've got a depressed one. A bipolar one.
You've winded it. It doesn't need winding,
it needs fucking counselling.
It's mental.
You're quietening down a bit, aren't you?
Is that what it was?
Right.
- Happy? That's happy, you're happy. - Yeah.
Let's go and find its mam. Come on, Super Nanny.
Let's go.
(LOUD DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
What are you doing here?
Is that her over there?
Are you Lesley?
Yeah!
Who are you?
I'm your fucking baby sitter!
You left it with me aunty. What are you playing at?
Over there!
Dealing with a screaming baby is a lot easier if it's your own.
You know, I just can't imagine being a nanny now.
- Well, that's fine... - Can you just take it home?
- No. No. No chance. - Please!
Look, the agency is coming to pick it up tomorrow morning.
You can give it to them then, can't you?
I'm not going to pull anyone in here carrying that thing around me, am I?
KARL: Just take... WOMAN: Let's go for another drink!
LESLEY: Whoo! WOMAN: Was that your dad?
Hey, have you got your sperm test kit?
It's empty in here.
Let's put you up there.
Sit there.
Get them all in that pot.
You need it all in the pot. Don't spill it.
What's taking you so long? Just...
You know, go a bit... Go a bit faster with it.
Yeah, I'm trying me best here.
- You're not stroking a cat, just... - (BABY CRYING)
It probably needs winding again. Can't you wind it?
You've got your hands full, haven't you?
Just try to ignore it then.
(CRYING CONTINUES)
(GRUNTS)
(EXHALES)
(WHISPERS) Bloody hell.
- Done it! - Good one.
(EXHALES)
I feel dizzy.
Wasn't that hard, was it?
Job done.
- All right, mate? - Yeah, you?
Yeah, not bad.
Tell you what, I'm glad to be out of there.
I think I prefer the sound of a baby crying to that racket.
How is that fun?
(SIGHS)
You're a bit quiet.
I'm not surprised after what that's seen.
KARL: Right.
It takes five minutes to get the result.
Says here, "If you lined up every sperm from a single ejaculation,
"it'd make a queue that'd be six miles long."
Jesus.
Listen. It was hard enough herding them from your bollocks to the pot,
without trying to get them to stand in a queue.
- (BABY CRYING) - KARL: Here we go.
- I recognise that cry. - (CRYING CONTINUES)
It means you want winding, doesn't it?
- That's it. - (BABY WHIMPERS)
- It's been an experience, hasn't it? - (CRYING STOPS)
Yeah it has, hasn't it?
You surprised me a bit.
I didn't think you had what it takes.
(SUCKS TEETH)
It doesn't look like I do.
Oh, well. It doesn't matter anyway, does it?
You didn't want a baby, did you?
At the end of the day, nothing but hassle and headache.
Come on, let's get going.
Mind you, it's only 99% accurate, innit?
There's still a 1% chance.